Contempt — the cut-down reflex

(Secondary emotion)

At a glance

  • What it’s saying: “This is beneath my standards — I’m tempted to look down.”

  • What it wants: Distance from what feels low; pressure to lift the standard.

  • Use it well: Change “person” to “behaviour,” say the standard, ask for a change — or step away with dignity.

  • Watch-outs: Eye-rolls, sarcasm, name-calling, dehumanising labels — contempt poisons relationships fast.

  • Time focus: Present

What contempt is

Contempt is the cold, superior feeling that someone or something is beneath you — a curl of the lip, a withering line, an eye-roll you can feel from across the room. It shows up with hypocrisy, repeated slackness, or rules you think don’t matter to the other person. It can feel satisfying for a second; it nearly always makes things worse.

It’s not anger (hot “you crossed a line”), not disgust (keep contaminants out), and not shame (I am the problem). Contempt says “you are lesser” — which is why it’s so corrosive.

Biogenic lens

Primary domain: Self-Organisation.

In the triad: Contempt mainly serves Self-Organisation — it polices rank and norms by signalling devaluation or expulsion. It borrows Self-Production for a sharp, cutting burst, and only helps Self-Correction when you convert the sneer into a clear standard and a fair request (or an exit).

What it’s optimising
Self-Production: A brief spike that powers the put-down — and then drains you. Down-shift before you speak (long exhale, unclench your jaw) so you don’t torch the bridge.
Self-Organisation: The useful sliver here is standards. Name the behaviour, not the person: “When deadlines slide without warning, the team cops it. From next week, message by midday.” If the values clash is fundamental, choose distance rather than drip-feeding contempt.
Self-Correction: Turn “they’re hopeless” into Issue → Impact → Request (and a consequence if needed). If you can’t name a specific, fair fix, you’re not correcting — you’re just sneering.

How it feels in the body

Tight mouth, lifted chin, eye-roll, a cold or sour wave, urge to jab or mock. Afterwards: tension and a bigger gap to cross.

Common triggers & what they’re really about

  • Repeated slackness or broken promises → a need for clear agreements and consequences.

  • Hypocrisy or cruelty → a need to protect dignity and enforce decent rules.

  • Status games (talking down, showing off) → a need for mutual respect.

  • Culture wars / online pile-ons → a need to step back from bait and choose proportionate action.

Look-alikes (so you don’t treat the wrong thing)

  • Anger: hot, boundary-setting; can lead to repair.

  • Disgust (moral): “that behaviour is foul”; easy to slide into contempt of the person.

  • Cynicism: learned hopelessness dressed as wit.

  • Shame-flip: feeling small and firing downwards to cope.

How people have explained contempt (very briefly)

Think of it as a rank-signal: “lower/outer.” Groups sometimes use it to punish norm-breakers. The trouble is, it kills cooperation. The practical move: swap superiority for standards — specific, fair, and speakable.

A clip that shows it well

Succession — “You are not serious people.” A masterclass in contempt’s hit — and its cost.
(Alt: Mean Girls cafeteria “You can’t sit with us” — petty contempt as group glue that backfires.)

Try this when contempt bites

The 60-second switch

  1. Name it: “This is contempt.”

  2. Down-shift: long exhale, unclench jaw/eyes.

  3. Describe, don’t degrade: one sentence on behaviour + one clear request.

The 10-minute reframe

On paper:

  • Degrading line I nearly used: ___

  • Behavioural description instead: ___

  • Impact (specific): ___

  • Request / consequence (fair): ___
    If you can’t fill those lines, consider stepping away rather than sniping.

The daily rep (raise standards kindly)

  • Zero-contempt rule at home/work (no eye-rolls, no name-calling).

  • Praise one specific effort daily — it starves the superiority habit.

  • Limit bait (rage-feeds, pile-on threads). Choose real fixes over outrage theatre.

Using contempt without making a mess

With yourself

  • Check for hidden hurts (shame, envy, fatigue). Treat the bruise, not just the bark.

  • Keep a short list of non-negotiable standards you’ll ask for plainly.

  • If you’re stuck in contempt toward someone close, decide: repair, renegotiate, or leave. Don’t rot in place.

With family and friends

  • No sarcasm as “humour.” It trains fear, not closeness.

  • Call behaviour cleanly in front of kids; never label people as “useless/disgusting.”

  • After you slip, own it: “That was contempt. I’m sorry. Here’s the actual issue…”

At work

  • Swap sneers for Issue → Impact → Request in writing.

  • Leaders: model no-contempt culture — private feedback, public credit.

  • If a value clash is baked in, escalate properly or plan an exit.

In the community

  • Critique ideas and actions, not human worth.

  • Don’t dehumanise rivals; today’s zinger is tomorrow’s stalemate.

Myths to retire

  • “Sarcasm is witty leadership.” It’s lazy dominance.

  • “Some people deserve contempt.” Some behaviours deserve limits; people deserve dignity.

  • “If I drop contempt, I’m letting them off.” Clear standards + consequences work better than sneers.

Keep a simple eye on it (two-minute log)

  • Trigger today: ___

  • Standard I named (behavioural): ___

  • Request/consequence I set: ___

  • Did connection or clarity improve? yes / no

  • If not, what boundary or exit is next? ___

When to worry (and what to do)

  • Contempt is your default at home or work.

  • You’re sliding into dehumanising language or humiliating others.

  • It’s part of a pattern of control/abuse (yours or theirs).

If safety is an issue: call 000. In Australia, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) offers confidential support around family and domestic violence. Coaching or therapy can help swap contempt for standards and repair.

A short story

After the third late roster, Jye fires off, “Do your bloody job,” and hits send. The room freezes. He feels the brief, bitter satisfaction — then the distance.

Next time he writes, “When the roster lands after 6 p.m., two of us lose childcare and cop overtime. From next week, can we lock it by midday? If it slips, flag it before lunch so we can juggle.” The manager agrees; two weeks later, no blow-ups. Same frustration, different move. Contempt would have kept the fight; standards fixed the problem.

Wrap-up

Contempt is the cut-down reflex. Don’t feed it. Turn it into clear standards, fair requests, or a clean exit — and keep everyone’s dignity intact.