Grief — love after loss

(Secondary emotion)

At a glance

  • What it’s saying: “Someone or something central is gone — life is different now.”

  • What it wants: Time, care, honest company, and new ways to live with the absence.

  • Use it well: Name the loss, make room for waves, use reminders and rituals, carry on in small steps.

  • Watch-outs: Going numb and never re-entering life, drowning in busyness, or treating grief like a personal failure.

  • Time focus: Past

What grief is

Grief is the heavy, shifting mix that follows big loss — death, miscarriage, break-ups, a diagnosis, a future you’d imagined. It comes in surges: sadness, anger, relief, guilt, laughter at a memory, then tears again. People often fear they’re “losing it” because feelings flip quickly — you can be ok at 10:00 and undone at 10:05. That’s not madness; that’s normal grief.

It’s not the same as sadness (one strand inside the mix), not depression (weeks of low mood plus lost interest and function), and not trauma flashbacks (terror and re-living).

Biogenic lens

Primary domain: Self-Correction.

In the triad: Grief mainly serves Self-Correction — it registers a major loss and gradually updates your inner map and goals. It also supports Self-Production by down-shifting energy so you can rest and heal, and it reshapes Self-Organisation as roles, routines and bonds are re-drawn.

What it’s optimising
Self-Production: Gentler settings — more sleep, simple food, softer days, steady people — so you don’t burn out pretending you’re fine.
Self-Organisation: The practical re-map: who does what now, what traditions continue, which new ones start, what stories you’ll keep telling. Reminders and rituals help the new shape hold.
Self-Correction: Face what changed, honour what mattered, choose proportionate next steps — paperwork, a call, a boundary, a first day back. The signal is “adjust,” not “forget.”

How it feels in the body

Heaviness in the chest, lump in the throat, bone-deep tired, bursts of tears, odd clean moments where you laugh (and maybe feel guilty). Sleep and appetite swing. Expect a roller coaster — stronger waves early, shorter and farther apart later. If you feel like you’re “going mad” because you flick from fine to flooded, you’re not; that’s normal grief.

Common triggers & what they’re really about

  • Clear loss: death of a person or pet, relationship ending → need to be held and to honour the bond.

  • Living losses: illness, infertility, disability, lost work/identity → need to name what’s gone and what remains.

  • Anniversaries & firsts: first birthday/holiday without them, places you shared → need for photos, visits to the grave/site, songs, letters.

  • Cumulative hits: many small losses in a row → need to slow down and share the load.

Alcohol, low sleep and long scrolling make waves rougher. Nature, movement and decent people smooth them.

Look-alikes (so you don’t treat the wrong thing)

  • Depression: weeks of low mood + loss of interest/function; hope stays dim even between waves.

  • Traumatic grief: fear, startle, nightmares tied to the loss.

  • Complicated/“pathological” grief: grief that stays stuck for many months and blocks life; help can re-start adaptation.

  • Relief after suffering: can sit with grief; both are valid.

How people have explained grief (very briefly)

  • Kübler-Ross “stages” (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) gave people words, but grief isn’t linear and you don’t pass stages in order.

  • Tasks/continuing bonds: accept the reality, feel the pain in safe doses, adjust to a world without them, and maintain a new kind of connection (memories, values, rituals).

  • Dual-process model: we oscillate between loss-focused moments (crying, remembering) and restoration-focused moments (paperwork, new routines). Both matter.
    When grief is stuck and disabling for a long time — sometimes called pathological (also “complicated” or “prolonged”) grief — psychological help is recommended.

A clip that shows it well

Up (opening montage): love, dreams, loss, and carrying on with new meaning.
(Alt: Bluey — “Copycat”: a gentle picture of letting go and doing something kind after.)

Try this when grief surges

The 60-second kindness

  1. Name it: “This is grief.”

  2. Let one wave land: three long exhales.

  3. Say one true line: “I miss ___.” or “Today is hard.”

The 10-minute anchor (rituals + reminders)

Write five short lines:

  • What I lost / what changed: ___

  • What remains (people/values/places): ___

  • One reminder I’ll use: a photo, song, letter, or visit to the grave/place.

  • One small task today: ___ (call, form, laundry, cook)

  • One person I’ll contact: ___

The daily rep (gentle, steady, adapting)

  • Move the body (even a short walk).

  • Eat and sleep on purpose.

  • One human contact (text, a cuppa, sit together).

  • One small “make” (cook, plant, fix, write).

  • Let your mind and body adapt — repeat small rituals; loosen them slowly as life widens. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is a rebuilding, re-orienting time.

Using grief without making a mess

With yourself

  • Tears are fine. They pass quicker when you don’t fight them.

  • Keep decisions small early. Big calls can often wait.

  • Guilt laughs too — light moments aren’t betrayal.

  • If you’re numb, try a structured reminder (photo, favourite place) for a few minutes, then rest.

With family and friends

  • Say what kind of help you need: company, quiet, lifts, tasks done.

  • Kids need simple truth and to see routine return; involve them in safe rituals.

  • If grief styles clash (talker vs doer), swap jobs on purpose.

At work

  • Tell your manager what’s realistic for a while; ask for flexibility if you can.

  • Work in short blocks with clear stop times. Avoid “make it normal now.”

In the community

  • Funerals, memorials, wakes, meal trains, school-gate check-ins — boring, decent acts that hold people up.

Myths to retire

  • “Time heals all wounds.” Time with care and connection helps; time alone can just make you lonely.

  • “Be strong.” Strong includes crying and asking for help.

  • “Closure.” Most people don’t close; they carry — differently, with help.

Keep a simple eye on it (two-minute log)

  • Biggest wave today came from: ___

  • What helped (person/place/ritual): ___

  • One small step I took: ___

  • Who I connected with: ___

  • Plan for tomorrow (tiny): ___

When to worry (and what to do)

  • Months on, you’re stuck: intense yearning, constant preoccupation, and life isn’t moving at all. (Sometimes called pathological or prolonged/complicated grief.)

  • Strong suicidal thoughts or you’re taking big risks to cope.

  • Nightmares, panic, or constant re-living of the loss.

  • Alcohol or drugs have crept in as the main strategy.

If that’s you: talk to your GP or a psychologist. In Australia: Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636. If there’s immediate danger, call 000. Good help can unstick grief and support the slow work of rebuilding.

A short story

After her dad dies, Lani keeps moving fast — paperwork, fixing the fence, feeding everyone. Three weeks later she drops. A friend brings soup and says, “Let’s do one thing and one memory.” They change the batteries in her dad’s old radio and put on his favourite song. On Sundays Lani now visits his grave, leaves a flower, and has coffee at his spot. She keeps a small list: ritual (photo on the dresser, Sunday visit), task a day, one call when the wave hits. She tells her boss she’ll work shorter days for a fortnight. The ache stays; the shape of life returns around it. Love doesn’t vanish. It learns a new address.

Wrap-up

Grief is love after loss. Let it slow you just enough to honour what mattered, use reminders and rituals, and gently adapt your days. Be kind to yourself. This is a rebuilding, re-orienting season — and you don’t have to do it alone.