Jealousy — the triangle alarm

(Secondary emotion)

At a glance

  • What it’s saying: “Something I value is at risk — protect the bond.”

  • What it wants: Clarity, fair rules, and reassurance that matches reality.

  • Use it well: Name the triangle, talk early, set or reset agreements.

  • Watch-outs: Snooping, tests, control, or revenge — they trash trust.

  • Time focus: Future

What jealousy is (in plain English)

Jealousy is the jolt you feel when a valued relationship seems under threat — you, your person, and a third party (or even a hobby or job soaking up attention). It’s a mix of care and fear. Used well, it gets you to talk and tidy the rules. Used badly, it slides into control, spying, and blow-ups.

It’s not envy (“they have what I want” — two people). Jealousy is a triangle problem (me–you–them/that). It’s also not the same as possessiveness (control dressed as care) or paranoia (fixed false beliefs).

Biogenic lens

Primary domain: Self-Organisation.

In the triad: Jealousy mainly serves Self-Organisation — it protects roles, status and agreements in a bond. It also taps Self-Production for short, sharp energy, and it pushes Self-Correction toward proportionate fixes (reassurance, boundaries, skills) so the relationship holds.

What it’s optimising
Self-Production: A brief surge — hot face, tight chest — that says “pay attention.” Down-shift first (long exhale) so you don’t torch the chat.
Self-Organisation: Reset the map: Who are we to each other? What’s in-bounds/out-of-bounds? How do we handle attention, time, exes, DMs, work drinks, “likes”? Make the rules explicit and fair for both.
Self-Correction: Choose a fix that fits the risk — ask for a check-in, change a setting, learn a skill (trust, communication), or, if the threat is real and repeated, change the conditions or step away.

How it feels in the body

Rush of heat, twist in the gut, scanning thoughts, urges to check phones/locations, a spike of anger or a sudden shut-down. It passes faster if you name it and act fairly.

Common triggers & what they’re really about

  • Attention shifts: new friend, new chat thread, new hobby → need for time/attention that feels safe.

  • Ambiguous contact: flirty texts, secretive behaviour → need for honesty and clear boundaries.

  • Status hits: being ignored in public, stories posted without you → need for respect and inclusion.

  • History: old betrayals make small risks feel big → need for extra transparency while trust rebuilds.

Alcohol, poor sleep and vague social media cues all make jealousy louder.

Look-alikes (so you don’t treat the wrong thing)

  • Envy: two-person comparison (their win). Different fix: turn want into a plan.

  • Attachment panic: fear of abandonment; may need soothing and skills, not policing.

  • Anger: boundary breach energy; useful when there’s an actual line crossed.

  • Control/coercion: jealousy used as cover to isolate or dominate. That’s not care — that’s abuse.

  • OCD/rumination: relentless checking, no relief from reassurance — get help early.

How people have explained jealousy (very briefly)

Simple version: it’s a bond-protection alarm. In pairs and families it helped us guard time, resources and kids. It still helps — if it leads to clearer agreements and fair behaviour. When it turns into surveillance or punishment, it breaks the very bond it’s trying to save.

A clip that shows it well

Toy Story — Woody and Buzz. Woody’s jealousy comes from fear of losing his place; the fix is honesty and a new map of belonging.
(Contrast: Othello — a cautionary tale of jealousy fed by lies and pride.)

Try this when jealousy bites

The 60-second reset

  1. Name it: “This is jealousy — triangle alert.”

  2. Breathe out longer than in for a minute.

  3. One honest line, no heat: “When X happened, I felt sidelined. Can we talk about Y?”

The 10-minute triangle tidy

On paper:

  • What I’m protecting: (time / attention / exclusivity / respect)

  • The specific trigger: (what actually happened)

  • A fair ask: (clear, doable, for both)

  • A self-ask: (one thing I’ll do to build trust)

The daily rep (build trust, not tests)

  • Small signals often: greetings, check-ins, follow-through.

  • Transparent by default: share plans, not passwords. Honesty beats surveillance.

  • Practise repair: if you snipe or snoop, own it and reset the rule.

Using jealousy without making a mess

With yourself

  • Ask, “Is this about them, or about an old scar?” If old, say so and request gentle structure while you heal.

  • Don’t run mind-movies. Check facts before conclusions.

  • Keep your own life full — friends, work, interests. Emptiness makes jealousy huge.

With partners/family

  • Make the rules explicit: time together, social media boundaries, exes, work events. Write them; review in a month.

  • No phone raids. If secrecy is the issue, solve secrecy with honesty, not hacking.

  • All relationship styles apply: monogamous, open, poly — the point is clear, mutual agreements and swift repair.

At work

  • Jealousy over access and praise? Ask for criteria, not gossip. Offer to help and learn.

  • Keep friendships clean: no ambiguous messages after hours if you’re partnered and haven’t agreed on that.

In the community

  • Don’t feed pile-ons. Public shaming to “protect” a relationship rarely protects anything.

Myths to retire

  • “Jealousy proves love.” It proves fear of loss. Love is shown by care and respect.

  • “If they cared, they’d give me all their passwords.” Trust is built with honesty and consistent behaviour, not surveillance.

  • “If I test them, I’ll know.” Tests poison the well — ask straight, agree rules, watch actions.

Keep a simple eye on it (two-minute log)

  • Trigger today: ___

  • What I’m really protecting: ___

  • Fair ask I made: ___

  • Self-step I took: ___

  • Did trust go up, down, or hold? ___

When to worry (and what to do)

  • You’re checking constantly and can’t stop.

  • Accusations on thin evidence; you’re losing sleep, work, friends.

  • Jealousy leads to threats, tracking, isolation, or violence — yours or theirs.

If safety is an issue: call 000. In Australia, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) offers confidential support around family and domestic violence. For compulsive checking or fixed beliefs, see your GP or a psychologist.

A short story

After a new teammate joins, Mia notices her partner, Dan, lighting up at training chats and late DMs. Her stomach flips; she almost demands his phone. She takes a lap round the block and tries a clean line: “When the late DMs started, I felt pushed to the edge. I want to protect our time. Can we set a no-DMs-after-9 rule and add a mid-week dinner that’s just us?” Dan agrees to the boundary and offers his own step: switching notifications off at night and introducing Mia at the next club night so everyone’s above board. A month later the rule is normal, and the heat is gone. Jealousy did its job — the bond got clearer and stronger.

Wrap-up

Jealousy is a triangle alarm. Use it to protect the bond with facts, fairness and talk, not control. Set clear rules, practise small daily trust moves, and repair quickly when you wobble.