Regret — the “do-over” nudge

(Secondary emotion)

At a glance

  • What it’s saying: “If I had my time again, I’d do that differently.”

  • What it wants: Learn the lesson, make a repair if you can, set a better rule for next time.

  • Use it well: Turn “if only…” into one clear change.

  • Watch-outs: Rumination, self-punishment, rewriting the past to beat yourself up.

  • Time focus: Past

What regret is

Regret is the tug you feel after a choice that didn’t land — words you wish you hadn’t said, a chance you didn’t take, money you shouldn’t have spent. It’s a normal, useful feeling when it points to a fix or a better habit. It turns unhelpful when it loops without action.

It’s not guilt (“I broke a rule or hurt someone” — moral repair), and it’s not shame (“I am the problem”). Regret says, “that move didn’t work.”

Biogenic lens

Primary domain: Self-Correction.

In the triad: Regret mainly serves Self-Correction — it compares what you did with what you value and updates your settings. It also steadies Self-Production once you act (sleep and focus return when you stop replaying), and it supports Self-Organisation by prompting repairs, clearer rules and better routines.

What it’s optimising
Self-Production: After a clean repair or decision, tension drops. Use the energy to move, sleep, and get back to basics. Don’t waste it on midnight replays.
Self-Organisation: Tidy the setup so repeats are less likely — add a cooling-off rule before big buys, share calendars so you don’t double-book, book hard chats in daylight.
Self-Correction: Extract the lesson and write a small if/then: “If I’m tired and tempted to snap, I’ll pause and text ‘back in 10’.” One rule beats a thousand replays.

How it feels in the body

Heavy chest, stomach drop, a sharp “ugh,” urge to rewind the scene, then a slump. You may feel flat or restless.

Common triggers & what they’re really about

  • Impulsive actions: angry text, late-night spend → need a pause rule.

  • Missed chances: didn’t apply, didn’t call, didn’t go → need a tiny approach habit.

  • Poor prep: winged it and bombed → need rehearsal/checklist.

  • Value clashes: stayed silent when it mattered → need a line you’ll speak next time.

  • Sunk costs: stuck too long in a bad job/relationship → need an exit plan and criteria.

Look-alikes (so you don’t treat the wrong thing)

  • Guilt: repair the harm to others.

  • Shame: global self-attack; needs safe people and boundaries.

  • Anxiety: future what-ifs; wants a plan more than a post-mortem.

  • Grief: loss itself, not a decision error; needs time and care.

How people have explained regret (very briefly)

Think of it as your learning after-action review. Regret compares outcome to intention, then nudges a better path. It helps most when it’s specific, brief and followed by a step.

A clip that shows it well

Sliding Doors. Two paths, two outcomes — a neat picture of choices, luck, and what you can still change now.

Try this when regret bites

The 60-second reset

  1. Name it: “This is regret.”

  2. Say one true line: “I wish I had ___.”

  3. Pick one step: repair, decide, or set a rule — and do it today.

The 10-minute “regret → rule”

On paper:

  • Event (facts, one sentence): ___

  • What I wish I’d done: ___

  • Repair I can make (if any): ___ (apology, refund, rebook, donate, tidy up)

  • Prevention rule (if/then): “If ___, then I’ll ___.”

  • Reminder where it matters: calendar note, wallet card, phone lock screen.

The daily rep (tiny do-overs)

  • One approach move you skipped last time (call, email, submit, ask).

  • One pause move before common slips (breathe, sleep-on-it, ask a mate).

  • One tidy-up of a small past mess (unsubscribe, fix, file, delete).

Using regret without making a mess

With yourself

  • Keep it specific. “That choice was off,” not “I’m hopeless.”

  • Beware the highlight reel: you’re comparing real life to an imagined perfect past.

  • Turn long regrets into projects with dates and inch-steps, not life sentences.

With family and friends

  • Say the repair out loud and keep it short: “I cancelled last minute and left you hanging. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll give 24 hours’ notice.”

  • Don’t demand absolution; offer action and time.

  • Share one lesson so others can copy the fix.

At work

  • Do a quick post-mortem: what failed, what to keep, what to change.

  • Move from blame to Issue → Impact → Fix → Prevention.

  • Log your prevention where you work (checklists, templates).

In the community

  • If your regret is about not helping, pick one steady thing (donate monthly, volunteer fortnightly) and start this week.

Myths to retire

  • “No regrets.” Cute slogan, bad learning strategy.

  • “If I suffer enough, it will balance out.” Suffering isn’t a repair. Action is.

  • “The past decides my future.” The past informs it; your rules and steps shape it.

Keep a simple eye on it (two-minute log)

  • Regret today (one line): ___

  • Repair made: ___ / none possible

  • Rule set (if/then): ___

  • Reminder placed: ___

  • Rumination after action: down / same / up

When to worry (and what to do)

  • You replay regrets for hours most days and can’t switch off.

  • Regret slides into worthlessness or suicidal thoughts.

  • You’re using alcohol/benzos to numb the replay.

  • Past trauma is glued to regret.

If that’s you: talk to your GP or a psychologist. In Australia call Lifeline 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636. If there’s immediate danger, call 000.

A short story

Mel didn’t apply for the role she wanted. Weeks later, the ache is still there. She writes the facts, the wish, and a rule: If a role fits 70% of my skills, I will apply within 48 hours. She sets a calendar block called “applications hour,” asks a mentor for a CV pass, and emails the manager to say she’s keen for the next opening. Two months on, she interviews for a similar job with a better CV and a steadier head. The past didn’t change. Her next move did.

Wrap-up

Regret is the do-over nudge. Use it to learn fast, repair what you can, and set one small rule that makes your next choice better. Then leave yesterday where it belongs.